寻之.空 13

既然上了舞台，唯有赔笑演下去。活着活着，年复一年，日复一日，真的很疲惫。寻的，没找到。盼的，没等到。看着那遥远的自己，伸手触不着边沿。缺少灵魂的躯体，只能像木偶般存在着。

或许活着，比自戕还更需要勇气吧。

如果天空只剩下灰色，海洋只剩下黑色，你还会选择徘徊在这地球上吗? 今生或缺，来世再寻。最冰点，终。

寻之.空 12

要是不曾飞翔，就不知道天地有多辽阔。我从一个小小的世界，一路走来，跨洋过海，独自漂流。经常问自己，如何活出一个传奇人生？我的生活，足够精彩吗？

每个人都选择了自己的路，各自飞翔。告别了周围的人，也告别了曾经的自己。在这个年代，维持自己的初衷仿佛相等于停滞不前。忙碌的生活，让我对周围的人，事，物都缺少时间去关心，欣赏和品尝。听歌的悠闲没了，喝茶的感觉变了，看书的闲情忘了。人，真的很可悲，总会被现实和社会的规范打压得喘不过气来。小时候，大家都勇敢认真的做自己。长大了，却用双倍甚至是三倍的时间来找回当初被时间遗忘的自己。人与人之间的相处，总要很多的耐心。难怪总觉得人际交流很累，周末多数只想窝在屋里不出门，只想活在自己的世界里。不要指望每个人会用同理心来理解你的困境。毕竟痛和苦不在别人身上，有谁会费心去理解你所经历的心情。

每个人，都在等一个人。我当然也不例外。只是我的人生里，却少了那么一个他。今生的梦想，只能等来世再实现。如果说缘分可遇不可求，那么还真是遇不见，求不了。真正了解我的人，也许会像御狐神双织般了解白鬼院凜凜蝶吧。

每个年龄，都有不同的勇敢。年轻时对爱情勇敢，却在受了伤之后才懂得真心是多么的可笑。成熟后对生活勇敢，却在经历了重重困难后才发现真实的孤单。很多感觉，需要反复的练习着，因为久了，就会忘了。忘了恋爱的甜蜜，忘了有人关怀的温暖，忘了一大班好友相聚的快乐，忘了有人陪伴相依的滋味，忘了庆生的感动，忘了轻松的生活。我们现今的改变，究竟是因为成长了，还是忘了最初的自己？不同方向的梦想， 该往哪个指标前进？有了不同的方向，即便是感情，也将会分道扬镳。要是每十年的岁月里都有一部放映机，播放着流失岁月中的点点滴滴，也许很多人会在感叹中发现，记忆里曾有许多被遗忘的美好和感动。一味的追着自己的梦，却忘了成为更好的人。

每当望着曾经辉煌，后来却没落的各个景点，总觉得特别感伤。也许怀旧，也许就不忍看着那些被逐渐遗弃和遗忘的事物和回忆。人，确实很可怕也很可悲。披着时代进步的借口，用尽丑陋的手段去破坏周遭的一切美好。

时间的胶囊里，即有带得走的感动，也有带不走的悸动。原来，又一年了啊… 时间带走的包括感动，记忆和自己。肉体离开了，心却依然在原地 。曾几何时，不再敢追根究底，因为知道自己已经没有力气和勇气去挖掘真相了。疲惫不堪的心，已没有能力去承受自己不想发现的事实。谁让所谓的真相，都是残酷割心的。

如果生命能再重来一次，人生会更完美和幸福吗？改变得了想改变的吗？改变了的结局真的会比较窝心吗？也许要到了生命的尽头，人才会对自己坦白。或许不存在这世界上的，才是我需要的。奈何桥上的一碗孟婆汤，也许是解脱。

寻之.空 11

五万四千里的自己，十万八千里的梦想。

终究还没遇上我想遇见的自己。虽然曾在梦里见过那个我朝思暮想的我，然而却怎么追也追不到，赶也赶不上。

梦如人生，人生如梦 4

近来耳闻的自杀事件，不免让人感慨万分。然而感叹的群众，却存在着平时都盲目参与施压却浑然不知的草木愚夫。

忧郁症难道就只能是一无所有之人的特权吗？比别人拥有更多的能力，财富，名望，经验之者，难道就连做人基本难过的权利都没有了吗？当这类人心情不好想发泄一番时，周遭的人总会指责说做人理应知足常乐。那些自称为心直口快，其实却只是缺乏同理心的人啊，不要以你们自己的无知去评论别人的感受。为什么有些人会选择在巅峰时期结束自己的生命？因为不是每一种伤别人能懂，不是每一种痛别人能体会。毕竟每个人的心底，都有自己的痛苦与挣扎。钟铉，Chester Bennington都是把世界看在眼底的名人，可是或许就因为他们今时今日所拥有的身份及地位，却也让他们丧失了某些普通人可以享有的基本权利。

你们的痛，我明白，安息吧。

Year End Review – 2017

And so…this is the summary of how I waved goodbye to 2017:

• Dined at a classy Chinese Restaurant that looks impressive but the food was fairly below expectation.
• Watched the movie “Jigsaw” at the cinema. (Facepalm…a horror movie to wrap-up the year?!) 
• Instead of having some drinks as initially discussed, a colleague and I ended up having King Prawns & Octopus platter, Escargot, Cheesecake and Pana Cotta on the table.
• Rather than mingling with the crowd, we headed straight back home almost immediately after the countdown. (Our bed has been summoning us…)
• Not forgetting the last kind gesture I received this year where I was spared from carrying a bag of goods meant for an exchange, as the kind storekeeper has thoughtfully offered to me a gift card instead.

All in all, it has been a challenging yet wonderful 2017. It was another year which I have deliberately lived without having any official resolution. Nonetheless the twists and turns in life have challenged me with another big leap of faith, and had miraculously brought me to this Nordic land of Finland.

Despite all the hardships during the transition period, I am at least happily enjoying my cups of coffee now, cherishing the flexibility of working hours, getting busier but advancing my knowledge while working with a boss whom I could admire and respect.

After letting my life flow freely for the past two years, I guess it is now the time to pick up the shattered pieces beneath my soul and to pursue my objectives with complete strength. I must be back in control to be the person whom I have wanted to be. I will now count on 2018 to be a better one.

寻之.空 10

我的梦，是否能连接到另一个我向往的世界，空间，或时代？

Estonia (Tallinn) - December 2017

Travelling with a colleague whom we barely known each other, but merely by name for almost a decade, and finally having some connection through work projects which eventually led us to the path of becoming the great travelling companion.

I did at some point regretted my decision on booking the 7.30am ferry to Tallinn, as we needed to be there at the terminal at least 1.5 hours prior to departure, which signifies getting up as early as 5.00am. However everything turns out to be well planned and we do have sufficient time going round the old town and enjoying our meals in an absolutely relaxing pace.

Knowing my motion sickness that constantly ruined my sea trips, I took two anti-nausea pills in advance hoping to withdraw myself from the fate of feeling sick. However 2 pills for a 2 hours journey doesn’t seems to be adequate and thus I am forced to swallow some additional dozes in order to feel better. Looks like I have to seriously contemplate my future plan of visiting St.Petersbourg by ferry, and wondering if I could survive that 14 hours of misery.

Landed at the port of Tallinn at 9.30am, we wrap ourselves completely well before starting our adventure. The old town of Tallinn is indeed beautiful, unique and adorned with the Christmas ornaments that creates the perfect seasonal ambiance. People we have met are fun, friendly, and the restaurants we visited provide great services and delectable food. The Unesco listed Historic Centre (Old Town) of Tallinn has been really well-preserved, and most of the buildings are uniquely constructed. Tallinn is definitely a great weekend destination due to the physical proximity, affordable ferry options, the ease of getting to the old-town by foot and with minimal language barrier. 

 The Asian physique that doesn’t fit well to the cold have given us some tough time. We were almost frozen due to the long outdoor hours and constantly seeking for shelter either in the shops, café or restaurants. But the coldness doesn’t stop us from having fun throughout the day. It was fortunate that it only drizzles a little in the evening, thus sparing us from becoming completely frozen.

The returning ferry is scheduled to depart from Tallinn at 7.30pm, and we were both exhausted from the 13 hours day out. Luckily we found a comfortable seat in the ship to have a sip of coffee and a cup of sundae, as well taking turns to linger around the shops. Having being told the fact that many Finns travelled the weekend to Tallinn just for cheaper alcohols, we finally witness how insane they could be by purchasing a few cartons of beers and luggage of wines, liquors, spirits and etc. Without the absence of drunken souls who tried to talk to us while we were waiting for the tram and inside the tram, we just laugh and joke our way off to reduce the level of interactions. Nonetheless, every one of these tipsy individuals expresses their friendliness to us and did uttered the same sentence sincerely: “Welcome to Finland” – thank you for making us feel welcomed! :)

Maldives - October 2017

Without intense discussions or stern contemplation, one of my best mate and I merely raised the subject and agreed almost immediately to the idea of spending a short holiday in Maldives, and everything were subsequently booked and arranged within days. After having Maldives in my travel plan for years, I could finally witness this paradise on earth for the first time.

Two things which I have insisted in this trip:

i.  All meals must come in buffet style; and

ii. Our room has to be a water bungalow

We have at first filtered a list of resorts that offer the all-inclusive packages, since we were both too lazy to even think and decide on our meals during the stay. We set aside RM5000 for the 3D3N trip, and apparently some luxury resorts that come with a private jacuzzi overshot our budget hence we relegated our standard to a more rational and economical one.

Our primary plan was to spend a night in Male as advised by most of the travelers on the web due to the late and odd arriving hour of Airasia at 8.10pm, however the check-in time at 2.00pm on the next day left us with very limited amount of time on the island thus we decided to pay the extra bills and check-in directly to Adaaran Club Rannalhi on our first night. One of the plus point of selecting speedboat over a seaplane is that the transfer service do operate at night. Understanding that the hotel desires to maximize the profit while minimizing the cost on the speedboat transfer service where they would collect the passengers while waited for the other guests to arrive, but more than 1.5 hours of waiting time was a little excessive for two tiring souls. We lingered in the airport fantasizing the comfort of sinking into our bed once we get into our room. The sea ride wasn’t a smooth one due to the undulating waves crashing violently against our boat throughout the journey. But fortunately the small window at the front deck of the boat provided us with sufficient fresh air and works the miracle in averting my seasickness. Upon our arrival at Velana International Airport, we visited one of the cell store and purchased 2 of the 7 days data sim package offered by Dhiraagu at USD$22.00 for 15GB which makes life easier and kept us connected to the outside world.

Maldives is definitely the well-known destination for honeymooners, to the extent that there were no blinds or curtains in the bathroom and everything can be seen through the window at night if standing on the balcony of our water bungalow. Looks like the rooms are catered only for couples while they were not meant for friends. Due to our late arrival on the first night, we have no idea what is buried in the dark opposite of our room and being bothered by the idea of showering in an open view, we have searched almost every corner in the room to collect whatever stuff that could be used as a temporary shade to at least obscure the sight for a peace of mind.

The weather was so erratic that the sun and the rain would come interchangeably within minutes. We could wake up greeting the great sunshine but after 20 minutes of washing-up, we were devastated by the pouring rain. We could be monitoring the rain outside of our balcony waiting for it to stop before we could go for lunch, but once we opened the front door, it was raining cats and dogs despite that we noticed that the rain subsided from the balcony.

We were both having wounds and scratches on our legs due to the surrounding corals. The water beneath our bungalow was crystal clear but rather shallow and during the low tide hours, we could easily hit on the corals whenever we try to paddle in the water. The watersports doesn’t come with a cheap price as expected, but we still went for an hour’s canoe ride at $31.00 (inclusive of taxes).

The all-inclusive package is certainly a value for money. We get the free flow drinks (alcoholic beverages included) and snacks throughout the day. Although there were no wow factors in the choices of food, but we have nothing to moan since they fed our stomach well. The room cleaning services was great as the staffs tidy our room at least twice a day knowing that some water activities will certainly ruin the neatness of the room.

Knowing the preciousness of sunshine especially from the current frosty country which I am residing, I threw myself under the sun as much as I can before returning to the land of pure white snow. Despite the sunburn I got on my hands and shoulder, I did enjoy this vacation wholeheartedly.

One of the epic joke in this trip: During the breakfast session one morning while I was in an half-awake and dozy state, I took 2 pieces of waffles from the tray and thinking to add some toppings to it and I simply grab the nearest ladle soaked in the gravy and pour it over our waffles without realizing that those are the raw flour mixture rather than the syrup!

Having spent less than 25% of my cash, I would now keep them for my next USD destination.